Jokes

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked.

‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.

‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked.

‘That’s a Daddy Longlegs,’ her father answered.

‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy at such a cute and innocent question he replied, ‘No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’

‘The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.

‘Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden’ she said.

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Yaaa, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.

"Vhere did yew git dat monster?"

"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

"You haff a Genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Yaaa, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So, Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Olaf, "Yumpin' Yimmny, I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"

Olaf answers, "Yaaa, I forgot to tell yew, da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?!

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A man was sitting on
the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since
her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
Birthday.


'I'd like to be six
again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.


On the morning of her
Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then
took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the
park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they
staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down.


He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a
Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate
shake.


Then it was off to a
movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous
adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well
Dear, what was it like being six again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb
ass!'


The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two
to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.



The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast
the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They
said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I
just sat up and watched him a ll night. 'The next night it was a
different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing hair all standing up,
eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look
awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all
night 'The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man's man.



The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and
bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They
said, 'Man, what happened?



'He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked
Daryl into bed patted his ass and kissed him good night.


Daryl sat up and watched me all night.

Knock knock

Who's there?

I am, who the fuck did you think it was?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the dead baby cross the road?





Cuz it was stapled to the chicken.

LOL